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Bad Boston Marathon Advice

In honor of those running Boston on Monday, here is some great advice on how to have your worst race day yet.

New duds make the race:

Here are some more useful tips that you won’t get from the ‘experts’. Buy a new pair of shoes for the race. They will be taking pictures and you don’t want to have your crowning moment memorialized in those old shoes you’ve been training in, do you? While you’re at it, make sure you buy something flashy and photogenic, like those hot-looking racing flats. Don’t be seen in a pair of boring cushiony trainers. Don’t worry, all that stuff about not wearing new shoes for the race is a myth concocted by the anti-shoe lobby.

But don’t stop with sprucing up the old feet. Why not get a new outfit too? Don’t waste your money on those expensive space-age fabrics. Get some good old cotton. If it’s hot like last year, the cotton will retain all that cooling dampness and keep it close to your body where you need it. You’ll conserve fluids and you won’t have to stop at so many water stops. This will surely lead to a faster time. If you can’t find cotton, wool is good too.

You can conveniently stock up on your new duds and other cool things at the race expo. While you’re at the expo make sure you sample all the wonderful performance enhancing products on display there. What could be better than turbo charging your body the day before the big race? And it’s all free! Eat it up! It’s got to be safe, or it wouldn’t be at the expo, would it? You haven’t trained all these months to run an average race! Suck down all those tablets, goops and powders! Supercharge yourself for the race!

Chow down:
After the Expo, make sure you go to all the pasta parties and stuff down lots of noodles. 26 miles is long way to run and you’re going to need all those carbohydrates. Make sure you stuff yourself to the gills. Heck, you might even consider bringing some home to re-heat for brunch on race day. It’s a late start and you might need a few more pounds of pasta to top things off on Monday.

Internal heat:
Here’s another great insider tip for you…Hot Peppers! If you read the label on your sports gels and creams you’ll discover that the active ingredient is capsicum. This is the same muscle relaxing, wonder ingredient that is found in hot peppers. Make sure you eat lots of hot peppers the night before the race so your muscles will be greatly relaxed and ready to go on race day. Why waste time rubbing it on the outside when you can take it on the inside? This will greatly enhance your performance on race day.

Drown your pain:
While you’re out stuffing in your pasta and peppers, make sure you drink plenty of alcohol. We here in Boston are quite proud of our traditions and are famous for our beer. Don’t miss out. A little known fact is that the original course was designed to favor runners with hangovers. Get busy Saturday and Sunday nights. If you sober up before Newton, you haven’t had enough.

Ancient ways are the best:
Do you ever experience chaffing? If so, then do what the ancient Greeks did to toughen up their skin. They invented the marathon, right? They would know about chaffing. There is nothing in the reports about Phidippides complaining about bloody nipples is there? Why, because they toughened up their skin by rubbing salt into it. You can benefit from this ancient healing method by rubbing plenty of salt vigorously into your pointy bits on race morning. The old ways are the best!

I hope this has been a helpful and informative article for you newbies to Boston.  We’ll see you in Hopkinton and I’ll call the EMT’s for you on Heartbreak Hill.